I think this is why we never get what we want.

There is a backwards law to life.

Some things work exactly as you would expect: if you want to become stronger, lift more weight. If you want to learn more, study more. If you want to earn more, work smarter.

But the strange thing is that some of the most important things in life work in the opposite direction.

The more desperately you try to be happy, the more you notice that you aren’t happy. The more desperately you try to feel confident, the more you examine yourself for signs of insecurity. The more you need other people’s approval, the more carefully you monitor everything you say and do in case they disapprove. The more control you need, the more threatening everything outside your control becomes.

Do you see what is happening?

The pursuit ITSELF becomes evidence that you lack what you are pursuing.

You don’t desperately try to become happy unless some part of you believes you aren’t happy enough. You don’t desperately seek approval unless you believe your own approval isn’t enough. You don’t obsess over appearing confident unless you are afraid people might discover that you aren’t.

So the harder you chase the positive, the more attention you give to its OPPOSITE.

It’s like trying to fall asleep. Sleep is effortless until you desperately need to sleep. Then you lie there thinking, “I need to fall asleep. Why am I still awake? I have to sleep.” And suddenly the effort to sleep becomes the very thing keeping you awake.

Life does this everywhere.

Try desperately not to be anxious and now you are anxious about BEING ANXIOUS.

Try desperately to avoid failure and failure becomes so frightening that you become afraid to take the risks required for success.

Try desperately to make everyone like you and you begin editing yourself around everyone you meet. Ironically, in trying to become more likeable, you become less authentic, often destroying the very thing people might have liked about you.

Try desperately to control everything and every uncontrollable thing becomes proof that you are losing control.

This is the paradox:

The desire for the POSITIVE can create an experience of the NEGATIVE.

But the law works backwards too.

Accept that you might embarrass yourself and suddenly you can act confidently.

Accept that you might fail and suddenly you can take the risks required to succeed.

Accept that someone might dislike you and suddenly you are free to be YOURSELF.

Accept that some things are outside your control and suddenly you can put your energy into the things you actually can control.

Accept that pain is part of life and you stop suffering simply because suffering exists.

The strange truth is that many of the things we want can only be reached by becoming willing to experience their opposite.

You cannot have courage without first allowing fear.

You cannot have confidence without allowing insecurity and embarrassment.

You cannot have success without allowing failure.

You cannot have freedom without accepting uncertainty.

You cannot have genuine approval while needing everyone to approve of you.

The positive is often found on the other side of ACCEPTING the negative.

So the answer is not to stop WANTING things. It is to stop NEEDING them.

Want happiness, but be willing to be unhappy.

Want success, but be willing to fail.

Want approval, but be willing to be disliked.

Want certainty, but be willing not to know.

Because the moment you REQUIRE something in order to be okay, its absence gains power over you.

And sometimes the harder you struggle to reach the surface, the faster you sink.

Sometimes the thing keeping you underwater is not the water, but your desperate attempt to escape it.

Sometimes you have to stop fighting the water long enough to realise it was capable of holding you.

- Adam